jueves, 6 de noviembre de 2008

Segunda concursante: ¿Desflorada?

Segunda concursante. [Enga, coño, animaros..que si no esto no tiene emoción..PARTICIPAD!!!] Firma con nombre japonés, y los ojos se te ponen "asín" de reírte. Su historia habla de los sinsabores de las primeras experiencias de toda desviada, aún virgen e inocente y hace un repaso desde la adolescencia a la desfloración. Que ustedes lo pasen bien, yo me he reído mucho.


Queridas desgraciadas,

Me dirijo a vosotras para contar mi historia y concursar por el titulo de Miss Otoño desgraciada... (ya sé que es un poco tarde, pero así el concurso tiene emoción con dos historias en vez de una, no?)

La primera desgracia que recuerdo data ya hace años, en mi infancia cuando en epocas de Navidades con tan sólo siete años se me ocurrio pedir a mi madre unos playmobil que habia visto en la televisión, a lo que ella accedió, pero...(ya en la tienda de juguetes)

MADRE: (a la dependienta) Buenas, veniamos a por un playmobil..
DEPENDIENTA: Muy bien, cuál de ellos quieres? (mirando a mi hermano pequeño que nos acompañaba)
MADRE: No, es para ella...
DEPENDIENTA: Eh... sabe que los playmobil son para niños?...
MADRE:... (mirando de un lado a otro)... cariño, no prefieres unos pinipon???
YO: ;0

Pero ya un año más tarde empecé a suspirar por alguna compañerita del cole... ays... Aunque claro, entre mi tierna edad, que estaba regordeta, mi timidez,"que mi madre decidia cortarme el pelo a lo "champiñon" por mitad de las orejas, flequillo incluido porque según decia "estaba muy mona" y que un día decidí AFEITAR ese leve bello que tienen los niños en el labio superior que se convirtio casi en un bigote, pues los años siguientes tampoco fueron los más ideales para conquistar a ninguna niña, niño o cualquier ser con un poco de sentido común o visión en perfecto estado...

El fin de la adolescencia tuvo piedad conmigo y comence a ver la luz al final del túnel, deje de ser regordeta, di un pequeño estiron, el pseudo bigote desaparecio, ya decidi yo mi corte de cabello y empecé a ser más apetecible para el resto de adolescentes a mi alrededor....La verdad es que siempre decidi ser fiel al bollo que estaba escondido dentro de mi y huía de cualquier hombre que quisiera conquistarme, pero a medida que pasaba el tiempo y era la única a la que todos señalaban de "rarita" me eche un par de novios (ilusos ellos) que no me duraron más de un par de meses porque como bien sabe cualquier mujer, ese es el tiempo límite en que un tio decide que ya vale de besos tontos y quiere meter en una lo que no es apto para entrar en el cuerpo de una buena lesbiana, así que guardé mi inocencia para que me la arrebatara una desalmada...

Ella era una mujer doce años mayor que yo, nos conocimos mediante un chat, durante meses estuvimos mandandonos fotos, cartas y sobretodo mensajitos subiditos de tono hasta que decidí ir a su encuentro, por huir de mi pseudo heterosexualidad, por empezar una nueva vida a 400 km de distancia, fuera del armario y lejos de mi madre y sus ideas machistas... Obviando el "detalle" de que ella era una mujer casada, de que su marido no era ese hombre tan distante del que hablada, todo lo contrario, era un ser encantador y que claro, tenia dos niños y yo en principio debia convivir con ellos...La primera noche, tras tanto haberme currado los mensajitos subidos de tono y tras omitir el hecho de que era una joven inexperta, caí en sus ardientes y sedientas garras que trataron con mucha brusquedad por la pasión mi tan cuidado "tesorito" (guiño a la Desgra), por lo que tras ese primer encuentro acabé caminando cual Cowboy o actriz porno primeriza. Pero aún así me entregue de lleno a la pasión y ella me dio un curso intensivo de sexo apasionado (mañana, tarde y noche) y tras una semana de desenfreno nos pillo su marido lo que hizo que dejará de ser ese ser tan agradable a ser un psicopata que aparecia sigiloso en cualquier rincon, nos seguia con el coche, no dormia por vigilarnos y tuve que salir escopetada de allí, porque a ella la perdonó, pero a mi me tenia por las noches durmiendo con un ojo abierto...

Y cuando pensé que los restos de mi inocencia todavia podian ser rescatados...

DOCTORA: Bueno, según la analítica estás falta de Hierro... Has ido alguna vez al ginecologo?...

Una semana después me vi en la consulta de una mujer con cara avinagrada junto a una aprendiz que la verdad no estaba nada mal... Tras el cuestionario de la desalmada doctora, llego el momento de dejar mis vergüenzas al aire, acostarme en la camilla y abrirme de piernas...

DOCTORAVINAGRE: Muy bien, ahora relajate...
YO: (vale, me relajare, así será más fácil.... más llevadero)....
APRENDIZ: Eh... esto... no entra...
DOCTORAVINAGRE: Por favor, relajate para que entre más fácil...
YO: (sudores, sofocos...) si, claro...
APRENDIZ: Eh... sigue sin entrar, eh?
YO: (JOOODEEER... pero a caso es la camilla lo que me quiere meter o qué???)
DOCTORAVINAGRE: A ver, dejame a mi... relajate (....) Pero... no habias dicho que no eras virgen?
YO: ya, no lo soy... depende...(dolor, sofoco, calor, vergüenza por estar despatarrada frente a dos mujeres que intentaban meterme un aparato del demonio hasta lo más profundo de mi ser)
DOCTORAVINAGRE: (mientras no cesaba en su intento de desvirgarme con el dichoso aparato) pero cómo que depende? has mantenido relaciones sexuales con algún hombre?
YO: NOOO!!! (roja del sofocon y por haber sido robada mi último de dignidad)
DOCTORAVINAGRE: no???
YO: NO! CON NINGUN HOMBRE! SÓLO CON MUJERES! SOY LESBIANA!! SÓLO CON MUJERES!!!

Con el último de mis gritos de desesperación la aprendiz buenorra agacho la cabeza tapandose la boca y desapareciendo del biombo para descojonarse a mis espaldas y no hacer mayor mi vergüenza, muy detallista ella.... Podria seguir contando así una y mil desgracias vividas a lo largo de mi corta vida, pero acabo ya por no aburriros, pero así presento mi candidatura y comparto esto con vosotr@s estas experiencias ya que carezco de blog ya que no soy capaz de mantenerlo tras dos intentos, porque soy demasiado vaga para que me dure más de dos meses.

Un saludo...

Sra. Miyagui

181 comentarios:

Abeja-Maya dijo...

Dios mio, todavía me estoy riendo.
Imagino la cara de la ayudante y de la doctoravinagre y no puedo parar de reir.
De momento para mi Cintia es la ganadora.

Besines

tortuguita dijo...

JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA

Niñas, no os lo penséis, esta persona es, sin duda alguna, miss desgraciá otoño 2008!!!!!!!!!!

Que bueno por favor!!!!

Haré carteles con tu nombre y los colgaré por la ciudad...Eres mi ídolo!!!!!

Anda, haz un esfuerzo, abre un blog, auqnue sea solo dos meses, me reiré taaaaaaanto!!!! y avisa eh? que si no no vale!!!!

Not dijo...

Luego se preguntan si puede quedar alguna bollo cuerda.

Toda mi solidaridada para con la afectada XD

Jei dijo...

xDDDDDDDDDDD

no sé de qué me río... parece mi propia historia xD

Anónimo dijo...

por favor, borra mi nombre, no vaya a ser que lo lea quien no lo deba leer. Gracias a todas por vuestros comentarios.

LA DESGRACIÁ dijo...

Desgraciá... hasta en eso xDDD No comments

Sra Miyagi dijo...

Muchas gracias. una desgracia más para añadir a la lista... XD.
Besos

Dejavù... dijo...

JAJA...
em en un tiempo era así.
pero solo que si había un concurso del mas desgraciado yo lo perdia por ahogarme mas de lo nivelado de desgraciado.
Bueno tu blog.
:)

Conso dijo...

Ummm congratula ver que las infancias no ha sido bollantes...
(o sí?)

La vecina dijo...

Me identifico con sra. miyagi en la parte en que dice que es demasiado vaga para que le dure un blog más de dos meses.

El mío está completamente vacío...

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